i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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