Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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