"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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