yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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