im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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