Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
