I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
