He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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