There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize