There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
