He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Success! We fucked roommates!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
