I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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