i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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