i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
