My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We were destined to go to rehab together
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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