He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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