I think I won the penis lottery.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
