I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
