why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize