you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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