did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
