Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
