I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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