i think i have two assholes
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
