Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
