i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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