I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
