saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
