I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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