I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
