dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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