remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
