she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
