Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize