I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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