how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
