I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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