"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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