Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
