last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
