Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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