he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
