All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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