I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
