I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
