I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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