I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
