I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
