Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
