I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i will never coherently bang her
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
