Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
