I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
