why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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