So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
