The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
