my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
