This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
