M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
