I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
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