paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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